Some sunshiney days, some cloudy days

Yay, I made it to the wedding in Temecula, CA! This is a picture of my sister, Colleen, my brothers, Jack, Daryl, Pat and Tom, and me.

The groom is the one with white pants, black shirt and no beard. He is about 45 and never been married, but this girl he got was well worth waiting for. I had the best time that I could possibly have under the circumstances. When we first realized I would be in the middle of chemo at the time of their wedding, no one thought I could even go. What a blessing it all was. I even got out on the dance floor with my siblings and danced once. It felt great. I did continue to fight anxiety all weekend, but looking back on all of it, it was a great weekend.

We even made it to see the new Newport Beach temple.

It's July 1st and this is one summer I am thankful to see go by quickly. I haven't felt good enough to do a post for over a week, Thank you Krystal for doing one for me.

I told you before that I had a saying on my kitchen wall that says, "Flowers that follow the sun(sunflowers for one), do so even on cloudy days" I felt like this was the perfect saying for me because I truly try to follow the "SON" of God every day, but I knew it was going to get harder as the chemo treatments progressed. It has happened. I am struggling. I still have no doubt about who I am following, but I have had a few meltdowns lately. One pretty severe one a week ago, where there were many tears.That was probably the day Krystal wrote about how chemo sucks. I had really no good reason to cry except I felt like it. There are a lot of things to be afraid about right now, but there is so much to be happy about too. The doctor said it is nothing I am doing (e.g. negative thinking), it's just the accumulation of chemo drugs, they go through your whole system, including your brain. My body has been without chemo now for 2 weeks and feels pretty good, but my mind and heart have caused a knot in my stomach that is almost unbearable. When I think about it now, crying does make me feel better, especially when everyone around me is so positive while I am crying. Between treatment 4 and 5, I could see myself slipping on a downward slope, but felt helpless to do anything about it. For now, the best I can do is endure it, one HOUR at a time. I plead for relief and I get it from time to time, but it won't stay gone. I know the Lord is a merciful God, as Jeffrey Holland put it, "He's not trying to tag us out on third base, MERCY is His mission" If we are parents, we can already see how true that can be, but yet we let our children experience a little bit of pain because we see that they learn from it.

The doctor today said that from all the tests we have, I am in remission, that's everything to be grateful for. He is working on changing medications for me to see if they can help me with the anxiety. They changed my chemo dates now, so I will go on Monday, July 7th (that should help me get through the holiday), and then he wants me in the office everyday that week to check on my weight, and my hydration (I have lost 16 pounds now), and my mental state. I, most likely will stay and get fluids and medicine every day that week. The nurse said that chemo has to be tolerable or we don't do it. I love these nurses at the clinic that help me, I know they really want to help me feel better. What a blessing they are to me.

I am not giving up, I am still a fighter, but I am weary, I pray "this too will pass".

I always want to thank you for your love, and encouragement, it really is making a difference, but I knew I couldn't expect to be "UP" all the time, it's not realistic. Don't be afraid of coming to see me, I need you right now, but be very afraid of the way the house looks, it's not in good shape, but I am learning that is the LEAST of my worries.