The Natural Man is back: REMEMBERING is the Antidote

Well, it was an interesting week last week. This week is better.

I want to stay "Afloat", like I talked about 2 posts ago. But alas, that is not possible to ALWAYS stay in that mode.

A profound thought came to me on Memorial Day when a Christian group was fighting us for our reserved spot at the park. Some of them were acting very UNKIND.

When I found out that they were a Christian group, I laughed, but these words came out of my mouth without any pre thought.

"Well, it's hard to be HUMAN and a CHRISTIAN at the same time.......................
I KNOW, I have tried it!!"

I surprised myself. That was such a true statement, but honestly, I had NEVER had that thought before. Yes, I thought, that is why I have trouble sometimes, because I am human.

Of course, the scripture came to mind, Mosiah 3:19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

Well, the next week, I was having some hurt feelings from someone that I care about and respect. I thought I would take my feelings to them in private and work it out in kindness and love.

My plan was foiled.

I was unexpectedly put into a situation where this person wanted to hear what my issues were and we were in the presence of others.

I did my best to stay calm and express my concerns.

I didn't get the response I had hoped for.

I wanted something like this, "Oh, Karen, no, honey, I didn't mean any of that to hurt you, I AM SO SORRY! , I will explain how all this happened and you will see how much I love you and how all those things that hurt you were MIS understood!, Oh please forgive me, I really am sorry, I will fix everything and make it all better and you will feel better"

That is not what happened.

This someone thought I was nuts to create such crazy things in my mind. I was

"analyzing" too much. (I knew that was true to some extent)

There was no apology, because I was the one wrong, not them.

I tried my hardest to help this person understand why I could have gotten mixed

messages.

Then, much to my chagrin, the people that were listening in, who were others I loved,

started agreeing,(one of them did anyway), and that is when I started to feel :

DEFEATED

STUPID

DUMB

FOOLISH
OVER REACTIVE

LIKE I WANTED TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE

RUN OVER BY A BUS AFTER I HAD BEEN THROWN UNDER IT!

Then I started to feel ANGRY, kinda like a natural man would.! :)

DID I MENTION I WAS REALLY ANGRY???????

After two people left, I LOST IT with the one who had thrown me under the bus.

I MEAN REALLY LOST IT!! TIMES 10!!!

All of my previous negative behaviors came out. I can't believe I am telling my blog about this.

There is a method to my madness however.

Once upon a time, I saw someone in Relief Society take a paper lunch sack, and blow into it, and then punch it, and pop it.

She related it to we as women who "BLOW UP".

She then said, " Now what do you have?"

We looked at the bag, all torn up and no longer usable.

I got the picture!

I saw myself looking just like that bag about an hour after my anger gave way to depression.

I was very disappointed in myself.

I haven't done that in a LONG LONG time.

How could this be? I was feeling so tolerant, and compassionate, and not easily offended.

I thought I was understanding of others now days. I knew that when someone was unkind , it was just because THEY were hurting somewhere in a hidden place.

I felt sorry and said the words more than once, " I am so sorry", (to my bus thrower)

That wasn't enough for me, I knew that. I have made too much progress to just let this go with a simple I am sorry.

I did an evaluation ( well that's what I do )

I will call it ANALYZING..............:)

THE ANTIDOTE

AHA, there was an antidote to my "natural man"

I knew it then, and I have known it all along, for A LONG time.

It is a simple thing to say but not TO DO:

REMEMBER !!!!!

Remember what ? you might ask.

There are so many things to remember, which one is it now?

YOU ARE RIGHT, there is SO MUCH to remember, and I can't do it without a notepad and paper for sure.

THIS one does need physical reminders for me.
I have them everywhere, but I still forget.

Let me start with D and C 20: 77

.............that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee,................and always remember him..................... ALWAYS????

next verse 79

................in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them;.............that they do always remember him..................... ALWAYS??

President Kimball said the most important word in the English language is "REMEMBER"

Remember Jesus, I have been taught, and remember the commandments, and remember the GOOD that the Lord has done for me.

At this stage, I have MUCH to remember................MY CANCER YEAR FOR ONE THING....

Karen, how can you forget all the blessings you have been given, and continue to be given on a daily basis?

How can you forget all those sweet feelings you had about LOVE for others, kindness, and peaceful calmness that you felt ALL through your chemo days.

I was SO humble during chemo. Do I want to go through that again just so I can learn how to be calm and kind, and keep my temper under control. Actually I thought my temper was gone, but it wasn't. I am sad about that.

Let me tell you some things that I have done to help me REMEMBER lately. Even though I lost it, Dale reminded me about relapses..........

That's what I had.................a relapse................anyone ever had one?

Dale said it's like a flat tire.

We prepare for flat tires by always carrying a spare. We don't necessarily EXPECT to have a flat tire, but sometimes it happens. We can do our best to make sure our tires are in good shape and take care of them, but sometimes things happen.

When they do, we don't give up on the journey, wherever it was that we were going., Do we? We might feel a little frustrated, but getting mad at the tire is not going to fix it.

WE are going to fix it, by using our spare.

We will continue on our journey, even if we had a bit of a problem getting there.

We will then get another spare to make sure we are always prepared, and we will do our best to avoid another one, but sometimes we CAN'T!

It just happens.

I will try again.

I have a picture of Jesus coming out of the tomb as He was resurrected on my dashboard of my car, I think of Him often and REMEMBER HIM. He offers His help, and His understanding.

Most recently, about six weeks ago, I set out to do the impossible for me: memorize a declaration called , "The Living Christ".

I am not good at memorizing. (especially when I tell myself that I can't ..............hhhmmmmm)

I have repeated over and over words and thoughts about the SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, things about His life and His goodness.

I love that. It helps me to "REMEMBER".

In a book I was reading last night, I read a line that hit me. It was talking about Mary and Martha in the New Testament and how Jesus told them that Mary had chosen "one needful thing". The author went on to talk about what that needful thing is;

She said it's the Savior and His gospel, she said................

.............."We need HIM"

I know that.

I believe that.

Imagine what would have happened if I hadn't had these REMINDERS in my life.

What would my "Natural Man" outburst have been like, I shudder at the thought.

I want you all to know that I am far from perfect. But then again, perfect people don't need a SAVIOR, do they?

I need him.

I want to encourage myself, by writing this, to KEEP REMEMBERING!!

It is worth it.

I want to remind myself to keep picking myself up, and keep on my journey.

Relapses happen. I will do my best to say I AM SORRY, and try again.

After all, IT IS HARD TO BE HUMAN AND A CHRISTIAN, I KNOW I HAVE TRIED IT !!

ALL MY LOVE, KAREN

To Know Her is to Love Her

This is not Karen- it's Heather, daughter #2. I didn't get the chance to REALLY tell my mother how much I love her, how much I admire her, and how much I hope to be like her. And I don't want Mother's Day to come and go without her knowing. So, surprise mom. Happy Mothers Day.

I'm writing tonight to tell you about one of the greatest mothers on the planet. Yes, that would be my mother. I know, I know, you also have an amazing mother too. But I have to brag about my wonderful mom. She is incredible. She is worth emulating. I am going to post this on both my blog and here, so that LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE CAN READ IT! Because all the world should know that Karen Esplin is LOVED and CHERISHED. Well, the world probably already knows it, because to know her is to love her, but I want to make sure SHE KNOWS IT!!!
Here's my beautiful mother, and her beautiful mother. I know she is missing her today too. So this is partly for her as well, since that beautiful mother raised MY beautiful mother! Have I confused you yet? Let's get started.
20 reasons why my mom is the most amazing mom in the world:
1. She is full of charity. I have grown up watching her give service for my entire life. She cared for my great-grandma, fully stricken with Alzheimers, in our home, for years. Here's the best part. Sometimes my great-grandma would stay with other members of the family, but when she stayed with my mom, she thrived. My mom would not only feed her, change her diapers, bathe her, and wipe her bottom, but she would paint her nails, dress her up nice, and put her hair in rollers, like they do at the salon. She made her beautiful. She would sing hymns with her late at night. My grandma couldn't even remember our names anymore, but she remembered her hymns, and my mom would sing them with her. We were very impatient with Grandma Great sometimes (us kids)-- she would ask us 852 times per day, "What's your name? What am I supposed to be doing today." (It breaks my hurt just to remember it, and how many times I would just simply ignore her, because I was tired of answering.) But my mom, she loved that lady so much, and showed us, by her example, the way we should treat others, especially the elderly. It wasn't even her blood relative, yet she loved her and served her with a pure, Christlike love That's just the kind of person my mom is.

You know what else is a good example of her charity? When all 6 of us were finally in school, and she finally had time to relax at home alone, she started seeking out young mothers with lots of small children, and then she would tell these mothers that she was going to take all of their kids, for several hours, every single week, just so they could have time to themselves. I admired it then, but now, being one of those young mothers (who would kill for a few hours a week all to myself) I just love her so much more, for being that kind of example to me- of how to serve others.

2. She is diligent. She is so dedicated to what she knows is right. For as long as I can remember, she would get up at 5:30 a.m. EVERY WEDNESDAY so that she could go to an early morning session at the temple. Dad helped do our hair on those mornings, and got us off to school. My mom still goes to the temple more than anyone I know besides the 12 Apostles (who also go weekly). In fact, a few years ago, she started doing "back to back" endowment sessions-- one session to clear her mind, and then a second session to really focus and learn. Come on! How amazing is that!!
3. She is a convert- she got baptized at age 14 (before her parents even) and after an awesome BYU experience, she became one of the most faithful Latter Day Saint women I have ever seen.
4. She is a super-cleaner! She is happiest when her house is clean, and she knows all kinds of tricks to make things spic and span. She cleaned other people's vacation rentals and condos for a few years, and the word-of-mouth business got her so busy that she eventually quit it all- she didn't want to sacrifice her time with her family (and she didn't want to have to pay self-employed taxes for heavens sake!)
5. She is supportive of me and what I go through- I am a lot like her. Probably the most like her of any of her children. And it sure is nice to be able to call her up and get her perspective on things. She was once right in my shoes- young and married, with two little girls 14 months apart. Struggling to make it work, to accept that perfection wasn't possible, and trying to be a good mother. She has kept such detailed accounts of her life (through her 18 (? exact amount, not sure) journals, and I have learned so many great things by reading some of the things she's shared with me.
6. She has always chosen to be a stay at home mom. Our family never had money for fancy cars or big vacations. But I had a mom who was always home, and it has meant the world to me. I will never forget one day as a freshman that I was surprised with a visit from my Aunt Flow. I called my mom and she rushed to the high school and brought me a change of clothes in a brown paper bag. My baby sis, Kimmy, asked what they were taking me, and my mom just said, "Her lunch!" I'm sure there were many times I forgot my lunch, or my homework, and she'd bring me those too. Having a mom at home has blessed my life in ways I can't even put words into. Thank you mom, for staying home.
7. She has more faith than anyone I know. When Kalia's nerve was severed, and I called my mom, bawling, to tell her the horrible news, there was a 2 second pause, and then my mom said, "The Savior can heal that." She continued for the next few days to pour out her testimony and faith to us- and it helped us have the faith we need to have. And as you know, that is exactly what happened. Kalia has never suffered the tiniest side effect of a severed nerve. There's no medical explanation how that could be- but my mom's faith during all of that was unmoving, like a rock, and it has blessed my life countless times. And now it has blessed my daughter's life too.
8. As most of you know, she is a breast-cancer survivor. You may know not how awesome that is unless you've watched someone go through it. It's sort of like going through hell and back. But not only did she go through it, she went through it with the attitude of, "What am I supposed to learn from this, and what can I do to be closer to the Savior and my Heavenly Father?" Here she is during one of her chemo treatments.
9. She came out of that better and stronger than ever. My goodness, I'm worried that lady is going to be translated any day now!! Just go read her blog (or maybe you're reading this now on her blog, look at her last post, and YOU'LL SEE EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! She's amazing!)
10. She doesn't watch Rated R movies. Or PG-13 movies. Or PG movies. Maybe...if it's a Disney movie. (She did see the Hannah Montana movie, and she loved it!).
11. She is the best grandma. She will even take her grandkids on rides on the "Wiggle Cars" around the island in her kitchen. She will let them stay up as late as they want, and let them eat as much candy as they want. They adore her.
12. She is the best question-asker of all time. She can get anything out of anybody. You can't keep it from her! She thinks of questions no one else can even think of. (This was especially handy when I would talk to the doctors each day, in the hospital with Kalia. They would always ask, "Do you have any questions for me?" And I'd say, "No, but here's a list from my mom." :)
13. She talks fast and I LOVE IT! I'm never bored when I talk to her, and I don't have to prod her along.
14. She was our #1 fan in all my extracurricular activities. She came to all my choir concerts, track meets, volleyball and basketball games. And one season, she made special Pink Frosted sugar cookies for the whole basketball team. She had to do it for every single game, because we went on a winning streak after that; we were convinced it was our good luck charm, so she wasn't allowed to jinx us by not making them. (That's a lot of sugar cookies to roll out and frost every week!!)
15. All of our friends love her. I can name at least a dozen who still go by the house now to see her, even though we don't live there anymore. (Most of these friends are guys, now that I think about it.)
16. She is a champion baker, and has famous cinnamon rolls and dinner rolls. Consider yourself LUCKY if you've ever tasted them!
17. She decorates the house for every holiday, and I mean, she really makes the house come alive with the holiday spirit (even the 4th of July, Halloween, Father's Day, etc). Even more importantly, she has decorated every room and hallway with pictures of the Savior, temples, the First Vision, etc. Everyone who enters our house knows where our family stands when it comes to the Gospel.
18. She taught us responsibility from early on- she taught us to do our own laundry, starting around age 10. She taught us to work hard, and we had to earn our own money for most everything we wanted or needed (besides socks, underwear, toothpaste, you know, stuff like that.) And we had chores to do every day, especially on Saturdays, before we could play; she would make us fun little charts to help Saturday cleaning be more fun. I still remember the laminated clown poster. He was holding a bunch of strings (to balloons) but the balloons had different chores on them- we'd draw them out of a hat, and when they were done, we got to tape them up on the strings. I think I'll make one of those for my kids someday.
19. She was voted Most Friendly when she went to Dixie College, because she was so nice to everyone, including the people that were considered "slow" or "handicapped." Many of those people are still in St. George and still love her and remember her today. That influenced me all throughout high school, as I realized that everyone needs a friend. Everyone deserves kindness. I tried to say hi or smile at every single person I saw in the hall in between classes. That was her influence bringing that out of me.
20. She laminates thoughts and scriptures and has them up on the walls of her shower, where she can see them every day. It's such a great idea. Whenever I am home visiting, I love to shower in her bathroom, so I can have a daily mini-devotional.Lately she has been taking an institute class on the Old Testament. I LOVE talking to her on the phone about all the amazing things she is learning in that class. We could talk for hours about the neat things we are learning in the Gospel. And she applies it to life so well. Just tonight we talked for almost two hours, about how returning to THE BASICS in the Gospel can help pull us through any trial. I think it was just what I need to hear. I love how she shares her testimony without even trying.

I'd also like to wish a Happy Mothers Day to my two wonderful grandmas- one still living (Grandma Ruth Esplin in St. George)
and one busy working in the Spirit World, Grandma Loy, (who I think might just be making little visits to my daughters, but more on that another time.) I miss you and hope you get to read blogs from the Spirit World.

Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful women who have influenced me and my family, especially to my own mother who has spent her entire life in self-sacrifice for me and my siblings. I hope I can become a woman like you someday. I will forever be grateful to have been sent to our family, to be your daughter. See, here we are, your 4 daughters, and you, jumping for joy that we are together forever, with all the posterity to come. You have taught us well, mom. Thank you.I love you!

I am IMMERSING myself in order to stay AFLOAT

Immersing To Stay Afloat

Does that sound like an oxymoron?

I think it does

but it is helping me to visualize it

The world around me sometimes scares me

I see unhappiness

I see struggles and wonder

could they have been avoided?

I know myself

I have a desire to control

everyTHING around me

and everyONE around me

I have a temper

I have determination

I have energy that can be used

for good or for bad

Lately I have seen others

sinking in despair

Sometimes I feel like I am "sinking"

I want to use my energy to

KEEP ME FROM SINKING

I was in the audience once when I heard Jeffrey Holland say,

"When you are in a storm, DON'T BAIL OUT, STAY IN THE BOAT,

it will get calm"

I have thought a lot about this

It has been a constant concern of mine,

ever since my CANCER diagnosis

What does that mean, "Don't bail out, stay in the boat" ?

What do you think it means?

I think I am going to stay with

The SAVIOR during my storms

I've thought about what I've

been doing with my life

since my "recovery" process

has begun (about 18 mos ago)

• First I listed my priorities.
• Second, I asked how much time I was spending on these "priorities".
• Third, I made a specific plan to "immerse" myself.
• Fourth, I kept (and keep) working on it.
• Fifth, I envision myself "immersing, then STAYING AFLOAT"

My priorities: I listed what was most important to my well being. I figured I needed

1. To take care of myself Spiritually
2. To take care of myself Physically
3. To take care of myself Emotionallly
4. To take care of my family and home, Dale first, kids 2nd, house last.

If I take care of my spiritual life first, I will feel better and other things will fall into place. This comes from such a strong belief in God the Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ. THEY will take care of me, if I take care of myself Spiritually, I feel confident of this.

This would include the following:

Scriptures

Prayer

Temple worship

Family Home Evening

Institute class

Church meetings

Fasting

Uplifting Music

Physical Care would have:

Sleep

Proper food

Exercise

Dr s visits

Massages

Emotional Care would need:

Meditation

Reading/Pondering

Walks outside in good weather

Social Outlets

I knew that if I could take care of myself, I would feel good.

When I feel good, I treat others better around me.

I feel the Spirit, which allows me innumerable choices.

I can make whatever time I have left worthwhile to myself and those around me.

I wrote up a literal schedule of daily hours in a week and filled in the blanks of WHAT I was

going to do each hour that was congruent with my PRIORITIES.

Spiritually, if I IMMERSE myself, I am seeing more assurances. I feel like I can stay AFLOAT of so much DESPAIR that surrounds us.

I feel the temptations weakening and lessening as I STRENGTHEN myself.

I am no longer doing a lot of things that I DON"T WANT TO DO,

I WANT to do the things that build my STRENGTH,

• Spiritually
• Physically
• Emotionally
• with my Eternal Family

I am far from perfect, but I keep reminding myself how far this cancer journey has brought me. I acknowledge to myself that OVERALL, I am doing better than I have in the past.

I keep picking myself up, at least once a week, and then I try again the next day.

I see myself in a LARGE, WARM tub of water. I immerse myself up to my face. I want to surround myself with good uplifting things as much as I can. I try to let the upsetting things around me GO.....if at all possible. If it is NOT happening directly to me, I let compassion replace judgement, but I remind myself that it is not happening to me, and feel GRATITUDE.

Gratitude helps keep me AFLOAT.

Immersing myself in What I NEED is keeping me Afloat from the "sinking" despair of the World

Heavenly News!!

I am so Thankful for the GREAT NEWS I got from the Dr on Friday. He told me I was "Mary Poppins". He had said that to me one time before at a previous visit and I said, "Why,...... do you think I am phony?" ..................................aaarrggghh......Karen, you are too quick to put yourself down,.................... besides that..................Mary Poppins was not a phony, ........not really anyway.

His reason for saying that was that he was talking about my test results. He said I was "Practically Perfect in every way".........AAwwww....................

No honestly, he knows how to make a cancer patient feel good. That is probably the MAIN thing he learned in 17 yrs of schooling,

(yes, that is how long his wife told me he had to go to college)

I feel so blessed to know I have another bit of time to enjoy life. I am thinking at least another year, but who knows, maybe 49 more years.

Actually, I don't ever want to die. Dale brought me home a magnet when I first got diagnosed and it is still on my fridge today. It says "I intend to live Forever.......... so far.... so good"

I have heard about being "twinkled" and I think that has a nice ring to it, so that is my goal!!

The next bit of HEAVENLY NEWS was a message written in crayon . It was on the kitchen counter nest to a vase with two little roses in it.

2 years ago when I first was diagnosed, Dale started his therapy by planting flowers. He loves roses and now has over a dozen rose bushes. For the last 3 seasons, he has brought me the first rose of the season, and the last one of the year, and put them in a small vase in the kitchen.

You have to realize that Dale is not very romantic. He is practical. He is kind. He is NOT affectionate, especially in public.

You also have to know that on our first date, I gave Dale a box of crayons, (story for another day) and he used them to write me a letter later that week that came in the mail to me. (OK, he's not romantic, but he was much younger, and was willing to do things that he thought "I" would like), so the crayon message Saturday had extra special meaning to me.

Lately, I have felt a little bit like maybe I am not very pretty anymore, at least on the OUTSIDE,

I know I have become beautiful on the inside, :) thanks to my "cancer year",

but I was feeling a little sad that I am not what I used to be for Dale. I told him how I was feeling, but he didn't seem to pay much attention, I kinda felt like he thought that I was just being a little too dramatic. (and that would be unusual for me to be dramatic.... lol)

But when I got up Saturday morning and found this, it MADE MY DAY, no............It Made my WEEK...........................

probably my YEAR!!

I LOVED IT!!

I am a lucky girl, I know that.

The last few days for sure brought me Heavenly News!!

I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for such blessings!

Time to check for cancer again

Yes, it is that time of year. Since I started chemo in April of 2008, I will have a PET scan every April for 5 years, ( I think).

I have blood tests every few months, and Dr's visits every 3 months to check on everything.

A PET scan looks for cancerous tumors. If there are cancerous CELLS, they cannot detect those. There is NO test for that.

If there were to be a tumor anywhere in my body that is cancerous, it should show up.

I do this tomorrow morning, (Monday April 5th).

I have to eat low carbs, low sugar, and low dairy today. Lots of protein today.

Tomorrow I will go to the test fasting. They will give me a sweet drink that has some kind of chemicals in it, and after one hour of sitting in a recliner with NO stimulation ( a dark room that is perfectly silent), they will put me in a tube for about 30 minutes and ask me to stay PERFECTLY STILL for the whole time.

These things are all difficult for me to do. Luckily, I have some medication that will help me be still. Seriously, they tell you not to even THINK in your "relaxing" hour. Yeah, right.

I am VERY thankful that our healthcare is so wonderful!! and I mean that. I am grateful that they even HAVE a test to look for tumors, and I am lucky to have insurance to pay for it, about 3 thousand dollars.

I will find out the results on Friday when I see my regular oncologist, Dr. Lemon.

I am not worried. I know that I am not going to have any cancer anywhere. But then again, I know I am going to get up in the morning, and go to bed tomorrow night. In reality, ANYTHING is possible. Life holds NO guarantees.

This I do know, whatever happens, it will be OK. I have Heavenly Father and Jesus on my side.

Turning to the Lord

These people have taught me alot over the last few years. These girls are my heroes.

These women "Turn to the Lord" when there is a trial.

First on the left is Hilary Weeks, she is an LDS songwriter and singer.

Most of her songs teach us all about "Turning To The Lord"

Her music has taught ME more than I could tell you in words.

Next is Krystal, she has had a most recent hardship with a new baby.

After me, is Heather, she had a trauma with her 2 yr old at the same time that Krystal was having her trial .

Tara, the youngest of the three here, hoped that she was not next.

Unfortunately, her family's Spiritual safety was threatened.

ALL these women know how to Turn To The Lord and I will tell you how they did it.

This is Carter Edward Trapnell. He was born Jan. 29, and is 3 wks old here in this picture. RSV season was here and he could not avoid catching it, no matter how hard his mother tried. He had to be admitted to Utah Valley Hospital, and at first was put on a CPAP to help him breathe. After 2 days, his condition worsened and he was intubated, meaning he was put on a ventilator to help him breathe. That is a much more serious condition. We later learned that one lobe of his lung had collapsed and between that and the mucus that was being produced, he could barely get enough oxygen, one time showing in the 40% range on the oximeter. VERY scary.

His mother prayed,

she had him get a priesthood blessing, she endured 12 days in the hospital with almost NO complaint. She wanted to know what the Lord had in mind for little Carter. She couldn't nurse him about half of those days and had to pump. Not to mention, she still had 3 children at home that needed their mommy. She went back and forth from the hospital to home, trying to keep everyone at peace with what was happening. She got almost no sleep whether she was at home or the hospital.

She continued to pray, and pray.

She had faith.

She never got angry at Heavenly Father. She never asked "WHY ME, WHY CARTER?" She clung to her faith, knowing that all things shall work together for their good. She held on. She held up. She continued to pray.

Carter eventually was reduced down to just oxygen before he finally was released to go home.

Tara's family:

This little family was spiritually attacked by Satan. He knows what a strong and beautiful family this is. He knows of their future potential. He worked on dad, and found some weaknesses in Daddy's ability to "Do It All", who was trying to go to college full time, and was working at an afternoon job part time. He was being daddy and husband part time, trying to make it full time if possible. Many things did not get done , some that needed serious attention and some that did not. He didn't get much sleep. Scriptures and prayer started to become a thing of the past that he hoped he would soon get around to. Discouragement set in. Negative thoughts filled his mind. Four children under 3 yrs old leaves very little time for the marriage relationship and for personal pondering and prayer. He started to question many things, especially his worth to others. Failures in school and other areas began to plague him with guilt. Temptations started to look enticing. Revenge looked somewhat inviting. He couldn't understand all that he was feeling , so he became numb to any feelings at all. He made a phone call to a "number" on a screen that looked like it might be someone to "just talk to". He never wanted to jeopardize his marriage or family, but it was starting to sound so innocent just to talk to someone. He rejected all the text messages that were inviting him to "talk" in private. He kept erasing all the messages. Soon, he was too weak to resist the temptations. He succumbed, and felt as if "someone else" was in control and went to "meet" someone at a hotel. It never was anyone other than the police all along. Thank the Heavens for DIVINE INTERVENTION.! It has been humiliating and painful for all this to become public knowledge, as it was in full color on the front page of the local newspaper just 3 days later. (the only reason I am sharing this with you now).

As devastating as it was, Tara NEVER wavered, she never cried.

She was completely held up by the Holy Ghost.

She has turned to the Lord at every moment of this experience. She has asked him "Heavenly Father, what do you want me to do next?"

She and her husband both received priesthood blessings.

The Spirit told her to love unconditionally, to be understanding,

to see what she can do to lift her husband and help him back to his feet,

where he belongs.

She has felt the love of the Savior more than once in her life. She is now learning once again how the Atonement can change her life forever.

She has turned to her scriptures. She has found much peace. Her husband also has turned to the Lord. He is well on his way to full repentance and forgiveness. They both see it as a severe wake up call.

NO ONE is tough enough to tangle with Satan. No one can let discouragement stay. It comes, yes, but it cannot stay. The adversary is watching constantly for an open window, or a crack in the door. We must have our "ARMOR" on. We must keep it on. They are both very open about what they are experiencing, and WANT to share it if it can help others to avoid such heartache. They will survive.................................. because they "Turned to The Lord".

Heather had a frightening experience right before Krystal and Tara had theirs. Heather's however, lasted all through both of her sisters: almost 3 weeks, was Heather's nightmare. Kalia, their 2 yr old had discovered a thick and heavy drinking glass in the bathroom. While she was in the bathtub one night, she accidentally fell on it as it broke to pieces. It cut her bottom so deep that it was clear to the bone, and even partially severed her sciatic nerve. This little girl went in and out of surgery 3 times to fix all that was wrong.

She spent over 15 days laying in a hospital bed, being allowed to go home for a day or two, only to learn that a serious infection required her to be hospitalized once again to have IV antibiotics. There were over 60 stitches trying to put her skin back together. A plastic surgeon was called. A neurosurgeon was called about the sciatic nerve.

Heather never wavered.

She prayed. She had Kalia get a priesthood blessing. She prayed some more.

She cried with her little one. She sat in awe of this little girl "jumping" a few days after surgery, after Doctors said she may never be able to walk normal with out pain. Heather trusted in her Heavenly Father. She knew He could make her whole. She knew He would do whatever was best for their family. She slept at the hospital most nights. She studied everything about the medical care that she could. She knew almost as much as the Doctors did when they would arrive to orient the parents.

She continued to pray. She has witnessed a miracle. She "Turned to The Lord".
(Kalia is able to walk, run, and jump normally, and has no side effects of any kind, besides a lovely scar.)

Kalia learned from her mommy and daddy to TRUST in Priesthood Power,

and wanted all the blessings this OIL would give her

All 3 of my married daughters have experienced trials in the last month and a half. All 3 have shown me, their mother, that they have heard the lessons I tried to teach them. I thought they weren't listening. But they were. When people have asked me how I am doing through all of this craziness, I have felt my heart burst with JOY.

I am not happy that these things have happened to any of them. I am old enough now to see that trials are part of our lives. BUT............................

The gospel and our testimonies are GOING TO GET US THROUGH.

When we "TURN TO THE LORD", all things will work out for our best good.

We will get through tough times. HE WILL help us. HE WANTS to help us.

It's hard for HIM to see us stumble, but HE KNOWS the outcome.

He just wants our hearts........

.........He has everything else He could ever want.

WHAT A BLESSING TO KAREN, the Kancer Killer, (as Krystal named me 2 yrs ago this month.) I am so thankful that I am alive to witness my daughters. "Turning to The Lord".

After all the trials were almost over, I got to spend some "JOYFUL" time with 3 of my granddaughters. I tended one night so moms could have an hour or two or reprieve. I wish Heather's girls could have been here too. That would have made for a perfect evening with the girls.

We painted toenails all different colors to cheer ourselves up. We painted fingernails too.

Then we got them all shined up and I curled their hair , just like I did to their mothers.

Oh, how I love my girls.

Oh, how I love to see them "Turn to the Lord",

Now it's time to teach the next generation!!

I see the "LIGHT" of the Savior in their eyes, do you?

Extremely Grateful..................for my strength...

On January 27th, we are at Krystal's house in Orem Utah just minutes away from driving to the Missionary Training Center in Provo about 5 miles away,where Jonathan will spend 2 months learning Spanish before he takes off to Mendoza Argentina. Here we see Jeff, Krystal, Addison ( a favorite cousin that also lives in Orem (ditching school to say goodbye to Jonny), Kimberlee, who, needed to get her braces tightened by the new orthodontist in the family, Krystal's husband Jeff. Then there is Kevin and Heidi, 2 more cousins that love Jonny (also ditching school) and you can see me holding Kyla on my lap and Allie next to me, and I hope it is obvious to you, that Jonny is the one with the suit on. Then Dale is next to him.Boy, am I HAPPY to get him on a mission! I have looked forward to this for 19 years, and the last 10 months have been anxious ones for me. I have to admit, he sure is good looking in this picture , isn't he?

Notice here, that Krystal is 8 1/2 months pregnant, and they said their goodbyes outside the parking lot because now-a-days, you LITERALLY DROP off your missionary at the curb!!
Notice Damon is missing because his parents wouldn't let HIM ditch school. :) He was sad :(

Well, after we dropped Jonny off, there was only ONE person crying!! It wasn't me, it was KIMBERLEE. I know why she was crying though, not so much that she was going to miss Jonny, (she gets his room, his car and everything else she wants), but she DOES NOT want to be alone WITH DALE AND I!!!! This means that she is our ONLY child left at home. (Another thing I have waited many years for :D )

Well, since the Dr told Krystal that she was only dilated to a 1, or 1 1/2, I decided to drive home to St George and go back when she had the baby, maybe in a week or two. Her due date was February 14th, and that was 18 days away.

I was home for about 30 hours when I got a phone call that baby boy was in a little distress. His heart rate was having de-celerations when Krystal was submitted to a stress or non-stress test. The Dr was inducing labor right then. I jumped up, showered, quickly packed and took care of any details that I thought were necessary, like pick up Rx's that I would need, etc. I got on the road about 2-3 hrs later, took about 4 more hours to drive to Provo and when I was 22 miles away, Jeff called me to tell me that she was "pushing" AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I started to cry, how could I miss it when I was so close? I shouldn't have taken time to shower or pick up that Rx. Well, I still hurried along the best I could and when I arrived on University Avenue, I called to see if he was here, and Jeff said that they were at a standstill because he was face up, and they were going to have to use a vaccuum. "YES", I shouted. I had a baby face up, so it's only fair that this one is so I can make it in time. (My mom wasn't allowed in the delivery room for my face up baby)

I walked in the delivery room, and the nurse questioned, "Grandma?" , when I said yes, the Dr who was at Krystal's feet, said "OK, here we go ", and he put a suction cup on the baby's head and pulled him out: Can you see the suctioned circle on his head?
For 16 days early, he was a good sized baby, 7 lb. 1 oz. 19 1/2 inches long. Good thing she didn't go until her due date. The only thing unusual about him was his umbilical cord. It had 2 vessels in it instead of 3. The Dr showed it to Jeff and I and it looked like a wet noodle, very flimsy in a couple sections. They say 80% of babies with 2 vessels are completely normal, but some of them have kidney problems later in life. About 5 years ago, Krystal delivered a stillborn baby boy that had, interestingly enough, a 2 vessel cord. The Dr's back then said that the cord had nothing to do with him not making it. Her water broke at 20 weeks, and for 5 days, that little boy fought for his life inside with no fluid, until her body went into labor and delivered him, at 12 oz, and 10 inches long. She went on to have 2 more children, both girls, and now this baby boy was very much wanted in this family. Nerves were only a little on edge during this pregnancy, but to see him come out healthy and whole was a big relief. If he has kidney problems, Krystal and Jeff feel like they will just deal with it.
I decided I wanted to stay for a while (I mean after all I had my Rx's that I needed for 2 wks) and help out, even though she had an easy labor, I knew that there would be 3 other kids needing attention and I wanted a chance to spend some time with them, I don't get near enough of these little darlings.Damon is 7, and I ran him back and forth to school, Allie is 4 and has either pre-school or a computer class 4 days a week that she needed a taxi for, and Kyla is 2 and really needed someone to play with to prevent her from mauling the baby. Of course, I REALLY wanted to sit and hold a new born, and hope I could get to look into his eyes if they were ever open. That is one of my favorite things to do, hold, smell, and look at a newborn!! I love it.

While I was there, I took advantage of spending some time with my sister since we don't do that enough, and we went to Michael's to learn more about decorating Valentine cookies. I wanted all the kids to come with me, (I tried to let Krystal have quiet time with the baby as often as I could) 2 of them played at a cousins house, while Kyla came with me. We were surprised to see how color-coordinated we all 3 were :)

When we got home, I just HAD to have some cookies, so I made some dough, and the next day, all 3 kids helped me cut them out and they (only they, not me), decorated these lovely cookies. They were pretty proud, and really enjoyed eating them.Damon is really a craft lover, and wanted to make his own Valentines. I helped him for 4 days. He had 24 kids is his class and each valentine had 3 different colored hearts cut out, and some of them had a pop up message inside. He is just starting here by using a cookie cutter to trace around.
Krystal had been trying to get a black and white picture of Carter, oh BTW, that's what they named him. The first set of pictures, the baby had been awake and didn't cooperate well, so one night , I was holding him and as he fell asleep and curled up his little legs, I grabbed a white blanket, laid him next to a white wall, and asked Krystal to get her camera. She caught this sweet one. If you look closely, you can see he was having a sweet dream about how wonderful heaven was. :)
He is a beautiful child. I got pretty attached and didn't want to leave him
His mom was pretty crazy about him too. Yes, she is tired, OF COURSE, I told her women would hate her if she didn't have the normal routine of trials after a new baby.
I took this picture, cuz I think he is so dang cute.
Oops, this is out of order, Damon and Carter at the hospitalAllie climbing up on Krystal thinking she is going to stay the night next to her mom :)Kyla trying on grandma's glasses. (She wouldn't give them back either, even though I gave her a sucker)Yes, I had a LOT of fun with my grandkids. I helped Krystal with Carter during the night. After she fed him I would try to keep his binky in and rock him if necessary. I loved every minute of it. I felt like I was on vacation at times. (My roommate from college took me to 2 Jazz games while I was there) I even found a night to attend the Mt Timpanogas temple.

I did a lot of laundry and a lot of cooking, and baking. Jeff said I really came through when I made him a lemon meringue pie. :)

But the day before I left, I was trying to straighten out my hair because chemo made it SO curly.Krystal and I had to take a picture and have a good laugh; THIS is what 2 WEEKS with 4 kids did to me:

BUT : I am VERY grateful to have strength again. It is amazing to me that 2 yrs ago, I found a lump, then had 2 surgeries, 8 doses of chemotherapy, 6 wks or radiation, then another surgery, and that was followed by a year of fatigue.

I have my energy back, and I am so blessed. The cancer, however, is not back. What more could I ask for?

I am a lucky girl. I know that.

I want to be a good girl. HE knows that.

I still love you all,

Love, Karen (the Kancer Killer :)